Sunday, July 5, 2009

Where I Come From...

I want to use this post to tell you a little more about me and where I come from. It will be a long post, so if you are interested, keep reading. If not, feel free to find something else that interests you on the vast world wide web.

Let's just jump in with both feet...

I come from a broken, abusive , alcoholic home. My 'parents' (I will explain that later) divorced when I was 4. So, I am either with my mother, who was verbally and physically abusive, or my father, who is a {very active} alcoholic. We moved A LOT! At least once a year, if not more. If I had wanted to put roots down and share the secrets of our home, I would have had to trust quickly and share before we moved to the next place and I had to start all over again. Although, trusting, sharing and telling the truth to anyone whom I met would have been taboo. We didn't talk about the huge elephant in the middle of our house...better to keep up the front.

We lied...fudged the truth...skirted the issues...ALL THE TIME! We would buy new clothes and not tell our step-dad, we would go to the movies and lie about our age, we would go to church and not tell anyone what was happening at home, we would never talk about the alcoholism or the abuse. Just pretend it didn't exist...that way we seemed normal. But I knew we weren't. I knew from going to school and to friend's houses...we weren't normal!

I never understood why we kept everything so secret. Why not tell someone? They might help us. Why not? Why not? But, I didn't tell people...because my parents told me not to...and I ALWAYS did what I was told. After all, they might not like me...or worse, bring on more abuse, if I didn't. The great thing is that at the age of 8, God used an aunt to tell me about His safety and saving grace. I know He is the only reason I did not spin out of control and continue the cycle of lies, alcoholism and abuse.

Well, this perfect little facade came crashing down one day. I was 20 years old. I was 'home' from college for the summer (I was actually at my ex-step-mom's house - yeah, let that soak in - because I did not want to spend the summer with either of my biological parents). She and I had then, and still do to this day, a super close relationship! My step-mom (I hate that term, so let's call her mom) was in Glorietta, NM for a retreat. I am home alone. The phone rings. It is my (biological) mother. She has recently been arguing with my grandmother about a secret that she learned about from a cousin (see, these lies go WAY BACK) and she needed to come clean about something. She calls and says, 'I need to tell you something before your grandmother decides to tell you. Your father is not your father. You are the product of an affair.' Yup! That's me...the 20 year old who is all of a sudden a bastard child! So, my world is spinning. I am in a fetal position, crying my eyes out, trying to figure out what I do with this information. I am questioning who I am and who I ever claimed to be. What's more, I am trying to figure out if she is right. Could she be mistaken? Couldn't he be my father and she just THINKS he isn't? And if he isn't my father, why would she allow me to spend 20 years of my life putting up with his alcoholism and all the hurt that brought on? I mean, would she really let me waste that much time and energy? It was at this time in my life that I decided I would NOT continue the lies. These were not my lies and I didn't have to pretend they didn't exist. I needed to make other people own their lies.

I begin bringing these issues into the light. I begin asking the questions that my family doesn't want to answer. I begin seeking counseling for my co-dependency. Man, is my family mad during this time. After all, things are more comfortable in the dark. We don't have to answer the tough questions in the dark. We don't have to be responsible for our actions in the dark. We don't have to tell the truth in the dark. We don't have to dig up all the stuffed feelings in the dark. These were very tumultuous times between my family and me. They liked it better when I was the 'Yes Girl' and just did what I was told. But I was SO over that...all that got me was heartache and I didn't want that anymore...I wanted the truth and answers!! (I will say that now, my family is open and honest about these times and issues. Together we have learned that hiding the truth only makes the hurt worse.)

So, I have carried this philosophy to all aspects of my life. I am not a 'Yes Girl'. I am the one who asks the hard questions and tells the hard truth. I bring things to the light. If something doesn't seem right to me, I will dig down and find out why. I cannot spend any more days of my life not talking about the big elephant in the middle of the room. If you want a pat answer or someone to just push your agenda, then don't come to me. If you want to get down to the bare bones and get real answers, I am your gal.

Now, I know that my Christian friends could find scripture to support their reasoning on why I should tip-toe around the real issues. I could find scripture to support why I shouldn't. Let me just say that none of us are perfect, just forgiven. So, if I am 'out of line', my Maker will speak with me about it when I am before His Throne of Grace. On this earth, I am called to be concerned about my Lord, my family, and speaking the truth...even if it hurts (and most of the time, it does. This is how Satan gets his digs in...he loves for us to keep it in the dark and let it fester!)

Fast forward to today...I created this blog to share my thoughts (hence the name). Some thoughts you will like, some thoughts you won't. Some thoughts will be funny, some thoughts will hurt. One thing I assure you...the thoughts will be the truth as I see it. I know I am not for everyone...nobody is. Feel free to read...or not. Feel free to comment...or not. I would love to have a healthy, 2-sided conversation about any of my posts. I will not, however, be lectured AT. I have 5 parents who raised me (even if you don't like the final outcome) so I don't need another one and I have a conscience and a Guide, so I don't need those either. I am here to share things as I see them, not as you would like me to see them.

I hope you stay on to enjoy the ride. I think it will be fun!


~LL~ said...

Powerful stuff, my friend! Bloggin can sometimes be therapeutic, huh? I'm glad you shared and that you are in the healing process.

PandaMom said...

Woohoooo! You go girl! ; ) Thanks for sharing your "roots". That always helps in seeing why people do the things they do. Does this have anything to do with the a few days ago that you took off or something like that? As I was starting up my blog catch-ups I noticed there was apparently something you said that someone didn't like. I missed it and it's driving me crazy to know what it was! LOL! About adoption....I'll message you on FB.

~B said...

Wow. Just - - wow. I never knew. And now I do. Thanks for sharing.

I share your thought process. Tell the truth. And if people don't like reading it, click on the "x."

Good for you.

Mommy Spice said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate in many ways. My parents divorced when I was 3, alcoholism being the biggest issue. I was raised by my grandmother most of the time, and then my dad, who spent a lot of his time at happy hour. Although I didn't go through the abuse you went through, I was terribly neglected. My mother is out of the picture to this day. Thankfully, God drastically stepped into my life at the age of 18, and it's never been the same...thank God!!

Cammie said...

Wow! Thanks for sharing everyone!

MommySpice, so glad you dropped by! I have been following your story thru PandaMom (although I dont think I have ever commented).

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